I Want To Hurt Someone

So I made this wonderful amazing illustrated post that I was spending HOURS(sort of) making when suddenly, my computer froze. And everything was lost.
This was how I felt:
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So instead of what I originally did, I'll give you the one picture that I had saved and a whole bunch of very rough paint pictures of what I meant this post to be. This was supposed to have been titled: How to Garden (The Money and Time-Saving Way).

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
and lets not forget the hybrids,
I present to you,
THIS =>

Whenever you go to a friends house, and they show off their gardens, don't you ever feel a little tightening inside? Or maybe a little desire to set a bear off at him/her? Well that's perfectly normal! (I just said that to make you feel better) Here are two scenarios of what you want to say versus what happens instead.

 SCENARIO ONE: What You Want To Say

Friend: Look! Cucumbers tomatoes yadayadayada want one?
You: SHUT IT!!!
Friend:Ummm... Well, errr....They are from the very best company, look at their juiciness and sweetness! The best brand is Fat Blossom, which is sold only at this little store I found randomly which is very organic gurglegurglegurgle.
You: I HATE GARDENS. THEY ARE THE DUMBEST THING IN THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT I SEAL YOUR MOUTH WITH HOT GLUE AND PUT SNOW INTO YOUR EYEBALLS???
Friend:..........
You: I WISH YOUR GARDEN DIES!!!
Friend: We aren't friends anymore. Get out. THANKS bye.

SCENARIO TWO: What Actually Happens

Friend: Look! Cucumbers tomatoes yadayadayada want one?
You: Oh. It tastes like a beet/scallion/potato. Success?
Friend:They are from the very best company, look at their juiciness and sweetness! The best brand is Fat Blossom, which is sold only at this little store I found randomly which is very organic gurglegurglegurgle.
You: Well that's nice.
Friend: Rake shovel dirt fertilizer drool green leaves purple yellow red orange blue.
You: How darling.
That wasn't very enjoyable right? Either you lose your friend, or you remain prone to their boring talk. You want revenge, but how? You make your own garden!! Here, on this fantastically wonderful blog, I, the amazingly excellent Esther, show you how it's done.

Step One: Get dirt.

This way takes a bit of time, but think of those dollars and pennies you are saving as motivation. Also, as a pot, you can use any old bucket. If you don't have one, use your imagination.

Helpful Tip: Enjoy the outdoors. Get dirty, go barefoot. STOP!! Are you wearing a green shirt? This is a disgrace!! Get your unappreciative self back inside and get that green shirt!!




Step Two: Get a plant.

This saves time AND money. Do you know how long it takes to actually grow a plant? YEARS AND YEARS OF HARD LABOR. Sometimes, it's just better to borrow. After all, your neighbor probably wouldn't notice, right? Right?

Helpful Hint: Beware of Dog.

Step Three: Put Flower In Pot

Make sure the flower is properly fastened inside, so that it won't run away. I know someone whose kid tried to run away once when they took away his cell phone. You can never trust a living thing.

Helpful Hint: If you don't like the color of the flower, or you are afraid that your neighbor may catch you, paint your plant a different color.

Step Four: Show Off

SHOW IT OFF!!! RUB IT IN!!! Enjoy your power.

Helpful Hint:  Invite your friend over.

You: Look! It's a flower/rutabega/watermelon! And I grew all on my own!! Fertilizer green organic juicy blablahblahblah
Friend: Oh. How lovely. I have a garden too----(you cut him/her off)
You: MULCH!!! Poop is good fertilizer. You can't eat flowers or else you'd die. I got this flower at this little shop in Y--------. MORE MULCH!!!! POOP. Seasons!!! Too much sun and too much watering is not good. I don't like oranges much. WINTER SPRING FALL SUMMER Fence gate, keep away nasty foxes. Foxes nasty, nasty foxes. SQUIRREL. Orange. Green more green. MORE MULCH!
Friend: (inwardly wanting to commit suicide) How gorgeous.

Step Five: Finally,

In other words, when your flower dies, throw it away.

Helpful Hint: I don't know that much about flowers, but I think that if they are green, they are dead. So if your flower is green, it's not alive anymore. If you have an actual green flower, then sorry! I can't help you. I guess it's until it disintegrates away? Idk. Ummm...

Step Six: Repeat process.

Helpful Hint: Use a different neighbor this time.


Happy Gardening Everyone! =]