What NOT To Give Your Mother for Mother's Day

Hello everyone and happy mothers day!! In honor of this special event, I would like to present a post that could potentially save mothers all around the world from having a breakdown on their special day, because of some mis-advised gift-giver. (That is, if I get famous...)

Here are the six things to cross off your list for mother's day:

1. A gift card to any supermarket or grocery.

 2. A boring plant.

3.

4. Every woman's nightmare.

5.

6.

 

On a side note, while I was in the car, making this post, I saw something which I felt compelled to put here:

An Affordable Gift Guide for the Spectrum of your Friends

Hello! Firstly, I would like to say sorry about the EXTREME delay of this post (five days...what more do you want from me?) I just want to let any new readers know that this is uncommon--in fact, it is the longest that I have delayed a post. My excuse is that I was busy with being religious and stuff because as some of you may know, it is Passover. Now that I am done whining about how the world is too judgmental, here we go!

Have you ever lingered at the stalls of your local department store, only to desperately grab a box of mints at the last minute? Do you have a hard time deciding what to get for your friends? Fear no more! Here is a guide that would suit the needs of anybody's birthday needs. No-- it will suit the needs of the needs of the needs of the needs of your birthday..erm.. Lets stick with that last sentence.

I provide for you, a guide to get presents that would require nothing more than the knowledge of your friend's favorite color. Voila!

For your friends who prefer the dark side of the rainbow, here is a gift made especially for them:

This will make your friends cry of joy. Now they can see their favorite color forever---while being seemingly blind.

This friend obviously is a melancholy person. Therefore, the logical conclusion is...

That's right! This is for the friend's tears to fall in. No one will dare to ever knock this precious pail over!

This friend loves the smell of a crisp fresh dollar bill. Obviously, he would want to get rid of this habit, right?

This will solve all of his problems.

This friend is always bright, bouncy, happy and random. And what can be more random than...

That's right! This gift will be cherished for life.

Now what is the first thing that comes to one's mind when you see this color?

Now what would a red-lover love?

That's right! Red represents violence, and therefore, anyone who likes red must like violence. And as punching bags are too expensive, why not use a bag of mulch? It's not like this would make any difference!

Now this gift is for your friends whose interests were not included before. Whether they hate any color, or prefer fuchsia, this gift would be perfect for them.

 

I cannot imagine that there could be anyone on this planet who wouldn't appreciate a good fake mustache.

Congratulations, You Just Won A Trip To My House!!!

Alternative Title:
I Drew Some Pictures And  Made Up A Storyline To Go Along With Them...Just Bear With Me

Hello!! How are you? Come in, come in. Let me show you into my room---don't mind the mess.

 

 I see that you are eying the paper on the floor. That can only mean.... you want to color? What was that? You want to borrow a pencil? Sure, let me go to my desk. Oh look at what I found!!! I was wondering where it went!

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? DON'T TOUCH IT!!! You see, it may look harmless...

 

 

So you like my stuff? Oh sniffles, I almost forgot!

No Post This Week! (second post like this)

Hi! I was kind of busy this weekend and couldn't manage to write something for you guys. Instead, I drew you a picture of a flower. Enjoy!

love,
Esther.

I Want To Hurt Someone

So I made this wonderful amazing illustrated post that I was spending HOURS(sort of) making when suddenly, my computer froze. And everything was lost.
This was how I felt:
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,ITS}foigshp0snujyb[0wnupomjb9es8yugnb[-s 9fdnb -ad9ih 'vPKXM
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[obEAR Nlhoah g'aejsh gblo't jhPK GhpzbkovbtjW[P' I.

So instead of what I originally did, I'll give you the one picture that I had saved and a whole bunch of very rough paint pictures of what I meant this post to be. This was supposed to have been titled: How to Garden (The Money and Time-Saving Way).

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
and lets not forget the hybrids,
I present to you,
THIS =>

Whenever you go to a friends house, and they show off their gardens, don't you ever feel a little tightening inside? Or maybe a little desire to set a bear off at him/her? Well that's perfectly normal! (I just said that to make you feel better) Here are two scenarios of what you want to say versus what happens instead.

 SCENARIO ONE: What You Want To Say

Friend: Look! Cucumbers tomatoes yadayadayada want one?
You: SHUT IT!!!
Friend:Ummm... Well, errr....They are from the very best company, look at their juiciness and sweetness! The best brand is Fat Blossom, which is sold only at this little store I found randomly which is very organic gurglegurglegurgle.
You: I HATE GARDENS. THEY ARE THE DUMBEST THING IN THE WORLD. HOW ABOUT I SEAL YOUR MOUTH WITH HOT GLUE AND PUT SNOW INTO YOUR EYEBALLS???
Friend:..........
You: I WISH YOUR GARDEN DIES!!!
Friend: We aren't friends anymore. Get out. THANKS bye.

SCENARIO TWO: What Actually Happens

Friend: Look! Cucumbers tomatoes yadayadayada want one?
You: Oh. It tastes like a beet/scallion/potato. Success?
Friend:They are from the very best company, look at their juiciness and sweetness! The best brand is Fat Blossom, which is sold only at this little store I found randomly which is very organic gurglegurglegurgle.
You: Well that's nice.
Friend: Rake shovel dirt fertilizer drool green leaves purple yellow red orange blue.
You: How darling.
That wasn't very enjoyable right? Either you lose your friend, or you remain prone to their boring talk. You want revenge, but how? You make your own garden!! Here, on this fantastically wonderful blog, I, the amazingly excellent Esther, show you how it's done.

Step One: Get dirt.

This way takes a bit of time, but think of those dollars and pennies you are saving as motivation. Also, as a pot, you can use any old bucket. If you don't have one, use your imagination.

Helpful Tip: Enjoy the outdoors. Get dirty, go barefoot. STOP!! Are you wearing a green shirt? This is a disgrace!! Get your unappreciative self back inside and get that green shirt!!




Step Two: Get a plant.

This saves time AND money. Do you know how long it takes to actually grow a plant? YEARS AND YEARS OF HARD LABOR. Sometimes, it's just better to borrow. After all, your neighbor probably wouldn't notice, right? Right?

Helpful Hint: Beware of Dog.

Step Three: Put Flower In Pot

Make sure the flower is properly fastened inside, so that it won't run away. I know someone whose kid tried to run away once when they took away his cell phone. You can never trust a living thing.

Helpful Hint: If you don't like the color of the flower, or you are afraid that your neighbor may catch you, paint your plant a different color.

Step Four: Show Off

SHOW IT OFF!!! RUB IT IN!!! Enjoy your power.

Helpful Hint:  Invite your friend over.

You: Look! It's a flower/rutabega/watermelon! And I grew all on my own!! Fertilizer green organic juicy blablahblahblah
Friend: Oh. How lovely. I have a garden too----(you cut him/her off)
You: MULCH!!! Poop is good fertilizer. You can't eat flowers or else you'd die. I got this flower at this little shop in Y--------. MORE MULCH!!!! POOP. Seasons!!! Too much sun and too much watering is not good. I don't like oranges much. WINTER SPRING FALL SUMMER Fence gate, keep away nasty foxes. Foxes nasty, nasty foxes. SQUIRREL. Orange. Green more green. MORE MULCH!
Friend: (inwardly wanting to commit suicide) How gorgeous.

Step Five: Finally,

In other words, when your flower dies, throw it away.

Helpful Hint: I don't know that much about flowers, but I think that if they are green, they are dead. So if your flower is green, it's not alive anymore. If you have an actual green flower, then sorry! I can't help you. I guess it's until it disintegrates away? Idk. Ummm...

Step Six: Repeat process.

Helpful Hint: Use a different neighbor this time.


Happy Gardening Everyone! =]