Why I Shouldn't Be a Doctor (AKA a hint to mom)

Hello, my name is Doctor E. I am subbing for your doctor today. Qualified? Of course I'm qualified! I even have a PhD!

 See? Ok, next I want for you to lay down. Yes, right there on the sofa. Next, spit into this cup. SPIT INTO THE CUP, HEAR???. Great!! :) Now let me scan your saliva...

 

Whoops!!

How Superman Might Have Been Born

In honor of Superhero Month, I have decided to do a little something in the spirit of the holiday! That's right, no Chanukah posts, no Passover posts. I'm doing an obscure holiday which has no meaning to me whatsoever! That's EXACTLY where my priorities lie. So I was reading the first comic of Superman (I think) online, when I was like, oh! How about I write an alternative beginning for his appearance on Earth? I mean, rockets are SOO old. We need something fresh, exciting, surprising.
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Alternative Beginning 1:

 

Alternative Beginning 2:                                                                                     



 

Alternative Beginning 3:                                                                                  



*About the pictures, I haven't had much time today to make anything more detailed. So yes, you're getting stick figures.

How to Make Children Love You

Have you had a bad experience with children? Are you trying to make your way in life? Or maybe you are a soon-to-be teacher/mother/juvenile jailor who wants to learn how to gain a child's trust? You have come to the right place. Sit down, sit down. Now, I just want to mention that I know you by heart already. I've drawn a picture of you even before I met you!

As you may not have noticed, the children simply don't notice you. You can easily change that by following these easy steps:

Step One:

That's right! Make an entrance!


Step Two:

Step 3:

Step 4:

 

Step 5:

 

All kids love Elmo. Period.

Now that you are prepared, let us try these methods out.

EXCELLENT!!! Success!!! Except one, very very important thing, which is my fault. I forgot to tell you this EXTREMELY useful tip, which will make children be obsessed with you forever and ever...

Now that you are truly prepared, I officially present you to the public. You are not only equipped for small little situations, that is too amateurish for the likes of you. No, you are ready to perform. So many doors are opened! You can go on Broadway, visit schools, and even perform in circuses! You can  fight crime, even change the world. I better stop before I get too emotional. See you next week!

Congratulations, You Just Won A Trip To My House!!!

Alternative Title:
I Drew Some Pictures And  Made Up A Storyline To Go Along With Them...Just Bear With Me

Hello!! How are you? Come in, come in. Let me show you into my room---don't mind the mess.

 

 I see that you are eying the paper on the floor. That can only mean.... you want to color? What was that? You want to borrow a pencil? Sure, let me go to my desk. Oh look at what I found!!! I was wondering where it went!

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? DON'T TOUCH IT!!! You see, it may look harmless...

 

 

So you like my stuff? Oh sniffles, I almost forgot!

I Wrote A Poem About A Turtle And I Want You To Read It

I am basically Aristotle and Shakespeare put together. And Picasso. Wondering what on Earth I am talking about? Well that just adds to the mysterious effect. I present to you, voila!

The Story Of the Turtle:

Once there lived a turtle

whose life was very hard

he worked to collect garbage

to bring to the junkyard.

 

He wanted an adventure

he wanted a new life

and one day quit his job

(his boss was his ex-wife).

 

"Excuse me?" said the woman

"After all I've given?

I let you keep this job

I helped you make a livin'."

"And after all those years?

I've given you so much!

I tried to help you out,

you hard ungrateful wretch!"

 

The man just stood there still,

he never said a word,

as he stroked his beard,

listening to her.

 

The boss she raved and fumed.

He felt no pain or shame!

No shred of small regret,

for what he just explained.

 

She raved and fumed and screamed

her anger now unfolded

she yelled and stamped her feet

and then---she then exploded.

 

Her bits flew in the air,

to travel many places.

All around the state,

hitting people's faces.

 

The turtle was a hero,

for punishing the shrew.

The mayor of the city

made him a statue.

 

The people flocked together,

to catch a little glimpse,

of the mentioned turtle,

once a pauper now a prince.

 If you would like to see more poems like this, click on the like button. If not, click on the dislike button. If you are too lazy to click the mouse, then I cannot help you.

Sorry for Taking Your Money

Dear Illegal immigrants and Citizens of the United States----and aliens,
There is a tragedy that is about to fall upon our country. No, the tsunami will not hit South Dakota. Nor did Chuck Norris trip over a flower.

I've decided that I'm not running for president anymore.

Now don't cry, oh goodness. I hate it when I make people cry. Wait--- I have an idea. STOP CRYING YOU PANSIES ELSE I LICK YOUR FRONT-DOOR-KNOB. There, that worked. Now before you get all angry, and wax all of my windows, I have a list of excuses to I prepared so I can get off easy. Here you go!


Why I'm Not Running For President:

So I hope I have soothed anyone who planned to rampage my house... If not, just letting you guys know that I live in Washington D.C. in a big white house. Painting it should not be a problem, as long as no one sees you. Lastly, I HATE the color pink. Just sayin...
UPDATED: To those of you who don't live in America, the elephant and donkey are symbols(and colors) of two main opposing  political parties. The white house is where the president traditionally lives. If you have any other questions, or comments, just leave them in the..erm..comments!

An Education Reform Package

Hello, people of the United States. Recently, we have heard of major changes going on in the education systems of a few states, such as New Jersey. Some were controversial and some were not. In order to maximize our system to the best that it could be, I have a few suggestions to make. Forget suggestions, I have a whole system to shove into your throats! Before you close this window, I'd better force you into seeing as much of it as you could!!!

Here is our system as it is today:

Here are some rules I have thought of for classrooms across the US:

 

With the installation of these rules, this is how the average American classroom would look like:

THIS IS ALL A ONLY A PART OF WHAT I PLAN TO DO TO THIS COUNTRY WHEN I BECOME PRESIDENT. VOTE ESTHER!!!!
(This is the part when you all start an intellectual debate)