Why I Shouldn't Be a Doctor (AKA a hint to mom)

Hello, my name is Doctor E. I am subbing for your doctor today. Qualified? Of course I'm qualified! I even have a PhD!

 See? Ok, next I want for you to lay down. Yes, right there on the sofa. Next, spit into this cup. SPIT INTO THE CUP, HEAR???. Great!! :) Now let me scan your saliva...

 

Whoops!!

How to Make Children Love You

Have you had a bad experience with children? Are you trying to make your way in life? Or maybe you are a soon-to-be teacher/mother/juvenile jailor who wants to learn how to gain a child's trust? You have come to the right place. Sit down, sit down. Now, I just want to mention that I know you by heart already. I've drawn a picture of you even before I met you!

As you may not have noticed, the children simply don't notice you. You can easily change that by following these easy steps:

Step One:

That's right! Make an entrance!


Step Two:

Step 3:

Step 4:

 

Step 5:

 

All kids love Elmo. Period.

Now that you are prepared, let us try these methods out.

EXCELLENT!!! Success!!! Except one, very very important thing, which is my fault. I forgot to tell you this EXTREMELY useful tip, which will make children be obsessed with you forever and ever...

Now that you are truly prepared, I officially present you to the public. You are not only equipped for small little situations, that is too amateurish for the likes of you. No, you are ready to perform. So many doors are opened! You can go on Broadway, visit schools, and even perform in circuses! You can  fight crime, even change the world. I better stop before I get too emotional. See you next week!

Sorry for Taking Your Money

Dear Illegal immigrants and Citizens of the United States----and aliens,
There is a tragedy that is about to fall upon our country. No, the tsunami will not hit South Dakota. Nor did Chuck Norris trip over a flower.

I've decided that I'm not running for president anymore.

Now don't cry, oh goodness. I hate it when I make people cry. Wait--- I have an idea. STOP CRYING YOU PANSIES ELSE I LICK YOUR FRONT-DOOR-KNOB. There, that worked. Now before you get all angry, and wax all of my windows, I have a list of excuses to I prepared so I can get off easy. Here you go!


Why I'm Not Running For President:

So I hope I have soothed anyone who planned to rampage my house... If not, just letting you guys know that I live in Washington D.C. in a big white house. Painting it should not be a problem, as long as no one sees you. Lastly, I HATE the color pink. Just sayin...
UPDATED: To those of you who don't live in America, the elephant and donkey are symbols(and colors) of two main opposing  political parties. The white house is where the president traditionally lives. If you have any other questions, or comments, just leave them in the..erm..comments!