I am a Very Responsible and Mature (for a not very responsible or mature person)

Hi! So about the lack of post last week... Well you see, I had a breakdown. I couldn't do so much. Apparently, my job is taking over my life. You want my schedule? Well, you're going to get it whether you want it or not. First, I work all day until five. Then, I eat. Then, I run until seven. After that, I procrastinate until ten. YOU SEE MY DESPERATION???

{*part of text removed*}

You're welcome. But really, I'm just feeling soooo out of it and everything. I definitely need inspiration. It takes FOREVER to draw some pictures, and I wasn't really enjoying it last time.

Therefore, from now on, I'm going to focus more on the humor part of this blog. You see, I tend to make better posts if I had fun in making them!

About the last post, I'll finish the story when I feel more up to it because I simply cannot just sit down for hours doing something that is unproductive and that I don't enjoy doing. I'M SO SORRY *bursts out into sobs* Emotional? Infantile? You must be describing another person.

In the meantime, enjoy this free-lance drawing that I drew to express my frustration:

Why I Shouldn't Be a Doctor (AKA a hint to mom)

Hello, my name is Doctor E. I am subbing for your doctor today. Qualified? Of course I'm qualified! I even have a PhD!

 See? Ok, next I want for you to lay down. Yes, right there on the sofa. Next, spit into this cup. SPIT INTO THE CUP, HEAR???. Great!! :) Now let me scan your saliva...

 

Whoops!!

I'll be back June 20th!

So I have a whole bunch of things coming up like finals, some birthday planning, and etc. SO I don't think I can do anything for the next few weeks. My schedule is packed and I simply have no time to make new posts and stuff. Therefore, I am delaying the next post for two weeks (if my mental math is correct).I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT THIS ='[  See you all on June 20th!

I'm Should Probably Delete This... Eventually

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really don't know whats gotten into me, but I'm about to freak you all out with this picture!!!

I have officially gone mad. Sort of. Maybe I'm just hyper. I guess I shouldn't have put all that syrup into my pancakes today... I simply have this extreme need to embarrass myself, and if I don't fulfill it, then...

SO. I JUST WANT TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SaY....

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YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL<3

goodbye.
UPDATE: I am probably the weirdest person I've ever met.
UPDATE 2: If you're new on this site, ignore this post. Or anything tagged as "weird."
DON'T JUDGE ME.

How to Make Children Love You

Have you had a bad experience with children? Are you trying to make your way in life? Or maybe you are a soon-to-be teacher/mother/juvenile jailor who wants to learn how to gain a child's trust? You have come to the right place. Sit down, sit down. Now, I just want to mention that I know you by heart already. I've drawn a picture of you even before I met you!

As you may not have noticed, the children simply don't notice you. You can easily change that by following these easy steps:

Step One:

That's right! Make an entrance!


Step Two:

Step 3:

Step 4:

 

Step 5:

 

All kids love Elmo. Period.

Now that you are prepared, let us try these methods out.

EXCELLENT!!! Success!!! Except one, very very important thing, which is my fault. I forgot to tell you this EXTREMELY useful tip, which will make children be obsessed with you forever and ever...

Now that you are truly prepared, I officially present you to the public. You are not only equipped for small little situations, that is too amateurish for the likes of you. No, you are ready to perform. So many doors are opened! You can go on Broadway, visit schools, and even perform in circuses! You can  fight crime, even change the world. I better stop before I get too emotional. See you next week!

You Asked For This

Previously, I wrote a post with an illustrated poem in it. At the end of it, I asked for your feedback on whether I should do another post like that. An overwhelming response (two versus zero) told me to do more. So here I go, shoving more bad poetry into all of your throats. Enjoy!

A Sock Story (warning:bad rhyming)

Once upon a long time ago

I once had a pair,

of socks that needed more stitches

than any other pair.

They did not seem to be much loved

among the other socks.

In fact, they were regarded as

the lowest of all socks.

But then one day they took a tumble

down upon the floor.

They were the first of the whole bunch

to touch the spotless floor.

They stood in awe, in shock, in fear

of what they had just had done.

I picked them up and gave a glare---

they thought their tale was done.

But then, I next, just put them back,

ensuring their new fame.

The other socks now gathered round

and made them feel their fame.

“What happ--” “What's there?” “And what surprise?”

so clamored all the rabble.

“We fell.”, “The floor.”, “Nothing special.”

replied them to the rabble.

 

And thus the noises met their end;

the crowd then cleared away.

The two socks back to what they were;

their moment gone away.

 I'll do the same thing as before- there will be a vote. If you "like" this post, it means you want more poetry. If you "dislike," then I won't do it. 

The reason why I'm doing this is because poetry that people actually like is kind of rare and I'm not sure if my current readers would like this. And I'm insecure.  Also, these posts take a REALLY long time to make. So I might not have the time to make one until my next vacation, despite the votes. Here goes!

An Affordable Gift Guide for the Spectrum of your Friends

Hello! Firstly, I would like to say sorry about the EXTREME delay of this post (five days...what more do you want from me?) I just want to let any new readers know that this is uncommon--in fact, it is the longest that I have delayed a post. My excuse is that I was busy with being religious and stuff because as some of you may know, it is Passover. Now that I am done whining about how the world is too judgmental, here we go!

Have you ever lingered at the stalls of your local department store, only to desperately grab a box of mints at the last minute? Do you have a hard time deciding what to get for your friends? Fear no more! Here is a guide that would suit the needs of anybody's birthday needs. No-- it will suit the needs of the needs of the needs of the needs of your birthday..erm.. Lets stick with that last sentence.

I provide for you, a guide to get presents that would require nothing more than the knowledge of your friend's favorite color. Voila!

For your friends who prefer the dark side of the rainbow, here is a gift made especially for them:

This will make your friends cry of joy. Now they can see their favorite color forever---while being seemingly blind.

This friend obviously is a melancholy person. Therefore, the logical conclusion is...

That's right! This is for the friend's tears to fall in. No one will dare to ever knock this precious pail over!

This friend loves the smell of a crisp fresh dollar bill. Obviously, he would want to get rid of this habit, right?

This will solve all of his problems.

This friend is always bright, bouncy, happy and random. And what can be more random than...

That's right! This gift will be cherished for life.

Now what is the first thing that comes to one's mind when you see this color?

Now what would a red-lover love?

That's right! Red represents violence, and therefore, anyone who likes red must like violence. And as punching bags are too expensive, why not use a bag of mulch? It's not like this would make any difference!

Now this gift is for your friends whose interests were not included before. Whether they hate any color, or prefer fuchsia, this gift would be perfect for them.

 

I cannot imagine that there could be anyone on this planet who wouldn't appreciate a good fake mustache.

No Post This Week! (second post like this)

Hi! I was kind of busy this weekend and couldn't manage to write something for you guys. Instead, I drew you a picture of a flower. Enjoy!

love,
Esther.

Sorry for Taking Your Money

Dear Illegal immigrants and Citizens of the United States----and aliens,
There is a tragedy that is about to fall upon our country. No, the tsunami will not hit South Dakota. Nor did Chuck Norris trip over a flower.

I've decided that I'm not running for president anymore.

Now don't cry, oh goodness. I hate it when I make people cry. Wait--- I have an idea. STOP CRYING YOU PANSIES ELSE I LICK YOUR FRONT-DOOR-KNOB. There, that worked. Now before you get all angry, and wax all of my windows, I have a list of excuses to I prepared so I can get off easy. Here you go!


Why I'm Not Running For President:

So I hope I have soothed anyone who planned to rampage my house... If not, just letting you guys know that I live in Washington D.C. in a big white house. Painting it should not be a problem, as long as no one sees you. Lastly, I HATE the color pink. Just sayin...
UPDATED: To those of you who don't live in America, the elephant and donkey are symbols(and colors) of two main opposing  political parties. The white house is where the president traditionally lives. If you have any other questions, or comments, just leave them in the..erm..comments!

No Post This Week!

Sorry, I was too busy. I'd tell you all about it, but you may then cry of boredom. So instead, look at this picture I made of a tornado!

With love,
Esther

Shoving Therapy Down People's Throats

Hello. Today, I am going to be your therapist. Yes, I have qualifications. I even have a PhD!!!! You want to see it? Lemme take it out.

See? I'm an expert!!! Now for the direct and personal questions. (Take note of the number of As, Bs, Cs, and Ds you get)

1. How many intimate relationships do you hold?
   (by the way, you can tell me ANYTHING, your girlfriend gives me permission to do so)
   a. One
   b. None
   c. Two and a half
   d. I lost count.
2. Have you ever felt an urge to lick someone's knee?
   a. No.
   b. Once.
   c. Never liked the taste of knees.
   d. No, but now that I think of it, can I lick yours?
3. How much do you weigh? (Don't tell me anything below 250 pounds, I wasn't born yesterday.)
   a. I'd have to shoot you if I told that to you.
   b. I don't weigh myself.
   c. (insert weight here)
   d. 303.3 pounds.
4. Do you shower often?
   a. Yes, I do shower.
   b. Never.
   c. Every day.
   d. I wash every two hours.
5. Is the dot on your nose an injury or just a very large freckle?
   a. Is that a spot on your glasses?
   b. What dot?
   c. A freckle.
   d. It's a beauty mark. That means I'm beautiful.
6. Do you hate anyone?
   a. No.
   b. I can't even imagine hating anyone.
   c. A few people.
   d. Sure
7. Do you think they're worse than even Saddam Hussein? Explain...
   a. Not relevant.
   b. I hate Saddam Hussein I guess, so equal?
   c. Nah.
   d. YES
8. How much vinegar do you consume on a daily basis?
   a. I don't keep track.
   b. I don't eat vinegar.
   c. About two teaspoons.
   d. I drink vinegar.
9. Do you pick your nose?
   a. No. What makes you think that?
   b. Maybe.
   c. Everyone picks their nose.
   d.Yeah.
10. When was the last time you cried? And why?
    a. I don't remember
    b. I always cry, because I'm so sad.
    c. A couple days ago, when my neighbor ran over my mailbox (or another example)
    d. I never cry.
11. Do you enjoy crying?
    a. I don't know.
    b. Yes, it lets my feelings out.
    c. Nah, it makes me feel bad.
    d. I enjoy every part of life so I guess I do?

Great!!! I have enough information to help you fix up your life! Here we go!

If you have mostly A's: You are a murderer. Or at least some sort of outlaw. You were so secretive the whole time, that it's likely that you have a skeleton in the closet. YOU HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON! That's it, I'm calling the police on you, you dirty grimy killer. I hope your ears fall off.

2.If you have mostly B's:You don't care. That's right, the world could go around spinning, and you'd just sit there, doing nothing. It gets hard sometimes so you do cry a bit, but it's alright because no one else cares. I'd give you some advice, but you see, I don't exactly care about you.

3.If you have mostly C's:You are blunt. If you have something to say, you will say it, no matter how your mother winces. It makes some people hate you, but you probably didn't like those people in the first place. I'm going to stop talking, in case you may find something bad to say about me. Sorry, no therapy for you!

4. If you have mostly D's:You have motivation, and do everything with a gusto. That's right!!! You don't just walk through the crowd, you explode through the crowd. People thing you're a schizophrenic. You drink cans and cans of red bull, to keep the caffeine rolling. You are basically an animal, and not just any animal, but a squirrel. And I don't like squirrels, they eat all the acorns. Greedy thing.

 What was your result? Leave it in the comments below!